This awesome mooncup plushie is by Unicorn Reality
This awesome mooncup plushie is by Unicorn Reality

This post is aimed at people who menstruate. It may be interesting to those who don’t, but if you complain about it being about menstruation having read it, I’m going to mock you.

I’ve been hearing about the next great leap in feminine hygiene (now there’s a phrase I hate with a passion) for quite a few years now. The silicone menstrual cup goes by many names, almost all of them with a touch of the earthmother off them. I call them cuntbuckets myself – because that’s basically what it is. It’s a little medical grade silicone cup that sits in your vagina during your period. You stick it up there, it collects your menses, you take it out every 4-8 hours, empty it, rinse or clean it and shove it back up for another spell.

Sure, some people have an aversion to their own bodily emissions, but the little goblet of gobbets is actually quite the miracle – it doesn’t absorb anything, just collects it so no dryness, and because the capacity is more than you usually need and it forms an effective seal, nothing gets through so you don’t need a selection of “period knickers”. ALSO, those awkward and creepy photos of girls in nightclubs with their tampon string hanging out could become a thing of the past – wouldn’t THAT be wonderful?

Insertion and removal is a bit more hardcore than tampons, mind, as it can involve a bit of manoeuvring (some folding, pushing, squeezing, twisting, bending and fiddling also), but there’s a definite knack that I’m getting better at after a couple of days. I’m no longer practically fisting myself to get at the damn thing, and I now know what “bear down” means. There’s a little stem on the end that’s meant to be trimmed to size and can be used as a handle when removing. Keep it as long as you can without irritating yourself is the best plan, at least until you’re used to it.

The lack of leakage, the fact that it’s not collecting sweat and farts along with menses, and the fact that it lets my vagina do its thing without absorbing things it doesn’t need to are the major selling points for me, that and the fact that I won’t have to buy another one for at least a couple of years, saving me a fucking fortune on ladycleanliness. Bonuses all round – plus, you know, no lumps of bloody bleached cotton or plasticy “wings” clogging up drains, landfill and being scavenged from bins by wild toddlers or domestic dogs.

So, if you have a vagina that leaks blood and stuff every month or so, give these lads a go – I’m definitely a convert. I have a Mooncup myself – it comes in a little cotton bag for storage in-between times, and the instructions are quite comprehensive and easy-to-follow. I bought mine in Boots, but mooncup.co.uk also has lists of Irish stockists in a lot of towns around the country. There are two sizes – A (for people nwho have given birth without cesarean and other people with vaginas who are over 30) and B for folks UNDER 30 who haven’t squeezed a small human out their vagina – and it costs in the region of €28.

If any of the mental images caused by this post made you feel awkward and/or aroused, be glad I didn’t include actual images. Also, please contact me for my paypal account details. Baby’s gotta eat.

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